If I Should Go (Novella) Read online

  ‘Have you told your family you’ll be home tomorrow?’ Rachel asked, knowing full well that the scant family Mrs Wilson had mentioned had never visited and probably didn’t even know she was there to begin with.

  ‘I don’t want any fuss.’

  ‘I could get in touch with your nieces if you like,’ Rachel insisted.

  Mrs Wilson was still looking straight ahead. ‘I don’t mind being on my own and it will be a pleasant change from here. No one to rely on and no one relying on me. It might not be how I imagined my life once upon a time but it has its benefits and, all things considered, I think I made the best of it.’

  ‘What life did you imagine for yourself, Bea? Did it have anything to do with the people in that photograph in your room?’

  At first the only reaction to the question was the whitening of Mrs Wilson’s knuckles as she gripped the loose material of her dress. ‘Yes,’ she managed and that first hesitant word was like the tiniest crack in the wall she had built to stop people invading her privacy.

  ‘I’d like to hear about them,’ Rachel said, tapping at the crack in the hope of revealing deeper crevices. When Mrs Wilson remained silent, she added, ‘It would be a shame if you left without me ever really knowing you, Bea.’

  The retired headmistress peered deeper into the middle distance, somewhere between the present and the past. ‘The little boy is my son, Tim. He was seven years old when he died.’

  Rachel regretted her curiosity immediately, but was at least consoled by the fact that the pain etched in her friend’s voice was tempered with love. ‘And the man? Was that your husband?’

  ‘Richard,’ Bea confirmed.

  There was a painful pause that Rachel didn’t know how to fill so Mrs Wilson did it for her. ‘It all happened a long time ago and I’m a little out of practice telling the story. People are only interested in the question until they hear the answer, you see.’

  Rachel felt a sting of guilt. Her reaction had been the one Bea had learned to expect, but Rachel didn’t want to be like the rest and had a feeling Bea didn’t want that either. ‘How did your son die?’ she asked.

  Bea took a gulp of air that lifted her head and chest so she could face the past head on. ‘Tim played for an under-elevens team and Richard drove him religiously to the matches every Sunday. One January morning he took a bend too sharply, skidded on black ice and the car ended up in the river. They didn’t find Tim’s body for two days; two tortuous and yet blessed days where I held out for the miracle that I knew in my heart would never come. I loved that boy. I still do.’

  ‘And what happened to your husband?’

  ‘He was unscathed, physically at least. Mentally, he was possibly even more damaged than I was. He’d been out drinking the night before, you see, and was hung-over. He wasn’t charged or anything but blamed himself and, as far as I was concerned, justly so. Our marriage didn’t stand a chance and we eventually separated although we never actually divorced. The rest of my life is as you already know. It’s my job that defines me now; only I remember I was once a wife and mother.’

  Rachel tried to imagine losing her own child, the baby who had come into her life at a time when she had felt empty and worthless. She had called her daughter Hope for a reason and the thought of losing her was something she wasn’t prepared to contemplate. ‘I’m so, so sorry,’ was all she could say.

  ‘Oh, don’t go pitying me. I won’t deny it still hurts and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss my son and grieve the life we should have shared together, but I’ve led a fulfilled life of sorts. My happiness wasn’t complete, but even incomplete happiness can be enough. It was for me.’

  Rather than be reassured by Mrs Wilson’s words, Rachel felt unsettled by her use of the past tense. ‘And long may it continue.’

  ‘Richard passed away five years ago,’ she added as if an afterthought. ‘I was there at the end and we made a kind of peace with each other. I envied him in a way because the waiting for him was over. He was with Tim again.’

  ‘I don’t like the idea of you going home to an empty house,’ Rachel said with growing unease.

  ‘But I am going home,’ Bea said.

  ‘A home, I suspect, without any food or fresh supplies.’

  Mrs Wilson patted her mended leg. ‘I may still limp more than I’d like but I’m perfectly capable of getting myself to the shops and back.’

  ‘Would it be too much of an imposition if I called in to see you once you’re home? Just to make sure you have everything you need.’

  The old lady chuckled softly. ‘Could I stop you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You shouldn’t worry, you know. I’ve managed on my own for the last fifty odd years, I’m sure I can cope with a couple weeks more.’ Seeing the frown appear on Rachel’s face, Bea quickly added, ‘By which point, my physio will be finished and it’ll be as if my leg had never been broken.’

  ‘Two weeks,’ Rachel said, unwilling to let the slip go unchallenged. ‘By my reckoning, that brings us to the eighth of September, the date you circled in your calendar. Why is it such a red letter day?’

  Bea shrugged. ‘Actually, it’s more of a murky orange, brown.’

  Rachel chuckled. ‘I should have guessed. You have synaesthesia too, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ Mrs Wilson said proudly.

  ‘That was why you were asking everyone what their favourite colour was.’

  Bea nodded. ‘I was looking for a kindred spirit.’

  ‘Instead you found me,’ Rachel said. ‘And I’m so glad you did. I really would like to get to know you better, Bea.’

  ‘You have a new, exciting life ahead of you; don’t go wasting your time on me.’

  ‘Let me be the judge of that.’ Rachel tapped her foot nervously in midair as she prepared to overstep the boundaries of their tenuous friendship. ‘You may not want to explain why that date is so important but I have to tell you, I have a bad feeling about it. You wouldn’t do anything silly, would you?’

  Mrs Wilson met Rachel’s eyes only briefly, sniffed the air and drew back her shoulders. ‘I’m a retired headmistress. I don’t do silly.’

  ‘Good,’ Rachel said. ‘Then do me a favour, leave that damned calendar here at Sunny Days.’

  For a moment, all that could be heard was the languorous birdsong floating across the garden and then, ‘You are being very demanding today, Rachel.’ There was a sigh, much louder than necessary. ‘Oh, all right then, if it makes you happy,’ Mrs Wilson said.

  ‘Yes, it would make me happy or at least happier,’ Rachel said. ‘And I know I’ll be moving to Liverpool in the not too distant future but I will keep in touch.’

  ‘Soon? I thought you weren’t going until next year.’

  ‘Our plans have changed,’ Rachel admitted although she had no intention of explaining the extent of those changes.

  Leaving Hope with her mum was only an option but it made more and more sense – to Martin and her mum at least. Martin was happy to pay for a child-minder to help Karen out and Rachel could still see Hope at weekends and over the holidays. But while Rachel had to agree it would be a good way for Hope to adapt to her new life gradually, there was still a chance that her daughter and boyfriend might become bosom buddies before they had to leave for Liverpool. They had met a few times now but as yet there had been no breakthrough and Rachel was pinning all her hopes on a trip they were planning to the Safari Park – albeit hopes that were fading as fast as the summer. The fact that she was considering the first option at all made her feel sick with guilt. After what Mrs Wilson had just revealed to her, she suspected the old lady would be horrified too.

  ‘It’s a big step,’ Bea said, seeing the worry on Rachel’s face.

  ‘I can’t even begin to imagine how much my life is going to change. I’m taking a chance by moving away, giving up my job and retraining in something new, but I love Martin and he loves me. We can make this work.’

  ‘You make a very handsome c
ouple,’ Bea said, which didn’t exactly give Rachel the reassurance she had been looking for.

  ‘Martin’s certainly brushed up his appearance in the last few months. I don’t think I’d ever seen him out of T-shirt and jeans when he used to visit his mum and now he’s hardly ever out of a suit.’

  ‘If he’s setting up a business then he needs to project a sophisticated image and he certainly did that, even after the lemonade fiasco.’

  ‘Hmm,’ Rachel said, no longer thinking of Martin’s clothes but the flash new car he had just bought. It was a red sports car and although she couldn’t remember the make or model, she did know it had only two seats. At least he was still keeping his old car, which he’d promised to give to Rachel once she had learned to drive.

  ‘You’ve changed too,’ Bea said. ‘And I don’t just mean your appearance. When we first met, you talked about dreams, now you’ve got plans.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose I have,’ Rachel said as her mind mapped out each of the steps she knew she must take to reach the brave new world Martin was offering her. ‘But even plans can go wrong.’

  ‘You can do it. All you have to do is hold your nerve.’

  ‘I can with the right encouragement,’ Rachel said, looking directly at Bea. ‘So don’t go disappearing on me.’

  ‘I’ve already said you can come and visit.’

  ‘Good, because I need your help. I’ve tried explaining synaesthesia to Hope but I think you could do a much better job. Would it be all right if I brought her with me?’

  ‘It would be my pleasure, but don’t worry, she’ll be fine. I didn’t realise I had it until I was, oh, thirty at least. It’s not something you particularly notice because it does you no harm.’

  ‘I wish you’d tell that to Martin. He’s worried she’ll have a hard time, if not academically then socially.’

  ‘I suppose it’s good that he’s so concerned,’ Bea said, although she didn’t sound convinced. ‘Tell him not to worry.’

  Rachel wanted to explain to Bea how Martin wasn’t so much worried about Hope as he was terrified of her. As she closed her eyes and lifted her head towards the sun she could find no warmth. The breeze had stilled and the only sound she could hear was the straining of her body being pulled in opposing directions.

  Rachel’s cheeks were starting to ache but the smile on her face didn’t waver. Martin knew she was looking at him but his gaze remained fixed on the road ahead as the car coughed its way down Sedgefield High Street. Its rusted shell creaked as they turned into the side road crowded with terraced houses. ‘Do you want to come in for a coffee?’ she asked.

  ‘I’d better not switch the engine off, it might not start again.’

  ‘That’s a shame, isn’t it Hope?’ she said, twisting in her seat to face her daughter. ‘After all our adventures today, Martin could do with a drink.’

  Hope was also looking straight ahead, grim faced, and if Rachel didn’t know better, on the verge of tears. Rachel raised her eyebrows, imploring her daughter to make some kind of response that might at least acknowledge that it wasn’t Martin’s fault. The car had overheated on the way to Knowsley Safari Park and, after seeing the sluggish trail of vehicles, even Hope had been scared it might break down again. None of them were willing to risk becoming stranded in the lion enclosure so they diverted straight to the funfair, which should have been the final destination of their visit to the park. They had watched the sea lion show and Martin had bought Hope a miniature set of all the animals she hadn’t been able to see but her daughter had fallen into a sullen silence and slowly but surely Martin had stopped trying too.

  When Rachel turned away from her daughter, she let her mask fall. Hope had no idea how important this trip had been because she had yet to be told of their plans which were now in full swing. Martin had put his house up for sale, given notice at work and his partner Rob was well ahead in the negotiations for the contract they had been after. Rachel had even enrolled at college and would begin a foundation course in October, when they expected to move. They were looking now for somewhere to rent until Martin could sell the house, but while Rachel had been picking out pretty little houses that matched her dream of a family home, Martin had his eye on modern apartments on the waterfront that would meet their short-term needs if Hope stayed in Sedgefield. A firm decision about what to do with her truculent daughter had yet to be taken and, to give Martin his due, he had tried with Hope. But if today was anything to go by then Rachel would be starting her new life without her daughter.

  No sooner had Martin pulled up in front of the house than Hope jumped out. Rachel flung open her car door. ‘Hope! Say goodbye to Martin and thank him for his presents,’ she shouted.

  Hope turned her head but kept her eyes cast down. ‘Thank you,’ she mumbled and then sped up the steps to the front door where her nan was waiting with open arms.

  ‘I’m sorry, Rae,’ Martin said.

  Rachel turned around to face him. ‘She will come around eventually,’ she promised.

  ‘Why force her if it’s not what she wants?’

  ‘Because it’s what I want,’ Rachel replied, feeling more than ever that hers was a lone voice with regards to that particular argument. With her resolve weakening, she took a deep breath that didn’t make her feel any less empty. ‘If we do leave her here then it’s only going to be for a short while, Martin. Maybe until Christmas but that’s all.’

  Martin was nodding but before he could utter a word, she added, ‘And if Hope doesn’t react well to the news, if she wants to come with us straight away then we all leave together.’

  ‘Is that likely?’

  ‘All I know for certain is that it’s going to be hard for her, Martin. I’ll explain to her what’s happening before we go away for the weekend,’ Rachel said, referring to their plans to view properties the week after next while Karen looked after Hope. ‘We might only be away for a couple of days but it’s still a trial run for all of us. Can we at least keep our options open until then?’

  ‘Of course,’ he conceded. ‘And don’t think that I don’t appreciate how hard it’s going to be for you too if things don’t go your way. But there are positives, Rae. Hope staying here will give you a chance to concentrate on yourself for once and remind you what it’s like to be young again.’

  Rachel couldn’t deny that it would be nice to taste a little of the life she had been missing for the last six years, but her conscience baulked at the idea. ‘I just feel so guilty,’ she said.

  But it wasn’t guilt that weighed heavily on Rachel’s mind when she said goodbye so much as the one thing she and Martin hadn’t dared to discuss. What would happen if Hope never accepted him? What if her daughter made her choose?

  As Rachel stepped into the house, with its creaking floorboards and bulging walls, she could quite easily imagine herself ageing with it, trapped beneath its flaking roof. She wanted a better life and wasn’t ready to consider failure but the tears had already sprung to her eyes before she could hide them from her mum.

  ‘Hope told me how the car broke down.’ They were in the kitchen and Karen had closed the door before speaking in case her granddaughter overheard. ‘And by the looks of it, I’d say you’re not too far behind. Are you all right?’

  Rachel went to speak but only managed to make her lip quiver.

  ‘I take it Hope and Martin still haven’t hit it off?’

  ‘How is this ever going to work? She hates him, mum,’ Rachel said, choking on her words. ‘She won’t want to come with us to Liverpool and if she stays here then she won’t want to come and visit either. What if she never accepts him?’

  ‘This is just Hope’s way of protecting herself from being hurt again.’

  ‘But she is going to be hurt if we don’t get this right.’

  ‘I know,’ Karen said softly. ‘And it’s already breaking your heart, I can see that. As much as I would love you both to stay here, I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. You do know that, don’t you
, Rachel?’

  When Rachel nodded, the first tear slipped down her cheek.

  ‘Right then,’ Karen said, nodding to herself as a plan formed in her mind. ‘All we need to do is convince Hope that she doesn’t have to be frightened and that Martin can make you both happy.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Of course. I’m going to help as much as I can. How about we all have tea together and see what magic we can weave.’

  ‘I’d better put Hope’s wand on charge then,’ Rachel said, smiling not at the awful joke but because at last she had an ally.

  5

  Rachel was on the sofa with Hope on her knee while Martin and her mum sat on opposing armchairs. As she listened to Martin telling Karen all about his new business venture, Rachel rested her chin on Hope’s head which had begun to feel heavy against her chest, a sure sign she was drifting off to sleep. The little girl still had her new iPad clutched in her hand even though Rachel had told her to switch it off half an hour ago. If the gift from Martin was intended as a bribe to win her over then it seemed to have worked. Hope hadn’t exactly showered Martin with new-found affection but with her eyes glued to the LCD screen, she had at least stopped glaring at him with suspicion.

  ‘I think it’s time for bed,’ Rachel whispered in her daughter’s ear.

  ‘Would you like me to take her?’ Karen asked. Her eyes had been glazing over as she listened to Martin and she looked eager for escape.

  ‘It’s OK, you stay there,’ Rachel insisted as she heaved herself off the sofa with Hope.

  ‘Would you like me to help? I could read you a story, Hope.’

  Balanced on Rachel’s hip, Hope was facing away from Martin so he didn’t see the contortions on her face which had miraculously settled into a sweet smile when she turned around to say, ‘No, thank you. I’m too sleepy.’