The Child's Secret Read online

  By the time the barman had placed the beer in front of Sam, the deal was done. Finn and Sam swapped numbers and Sam promised to do his best to help.

  ‘And if I do get a job, then I want to see you back here so I can buy you a pint. Hell, if the job pays enough, I’ll treat you to a meal!’

  Sam only realized how anxious he had been when his nerves started to dissipate after leaving Finn at the bar. While Jasmine’s father looked nothing like what he had imagined, in all other respects he had met his expectations. He was someone who was down on his luck and had lost his way because he couldn’t support his family; a man who was reluctant to go home to his wife because he felt like a failure – and Sam knew that feeling better than most. He was going to do his damnedest to persuade Jack to take him on, so Sam’s spirits were high, but nowhere near as high as the man who gave him a wave as he left the pub to go home to tell his eight-year-old daughter that maybe, just maybe, her wish had come true.

  Sam’s runs were getting more frequent and longer despite the summer heat, and the latest had been a gruelling one. He was leaning over with his hands on trembling knees as he tried to summon up the energy to drag himself up the last few steps to the front door. He was still a little hung over after Jack’s party the night before and the run had left him even more dehydrated.

  Sweat trickled down his nose and dripped onto the block paving, creating dark crimson splodges that quickly evaporated upon contact with the sun-scorched cement. His lungs burned and his heart thumped so loudly that at first he didn’t hear the sound of the yard brush being swept across the ground. Its rigid bristles appeared in his peripheral vision as Selina swept up nothing but dust, and by the time he had straightened up, she had stopped what she was doing and was leaning on the brush handle watching him.

  ‘That was a long one,’ she remarked.

  ‘About an hour.’

  She looked at her watch and said, ‘Try two.’

  ‘You must have been out here a while then,’ he said between gasps for breath. ‘I’m surprised you haven’t worn away the paving stones.’

  Without even trying to deny that she had been loitering, Selina asked, ‘Did I hear Anna leaving before?’

  Sam managed a nod.

  ‘She’s not coming back today?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘I’ve got a roast in the oven, enough for two which is lucky because it looks like you’ve built up quite an appetite. There’s beer in the fridge too.’ Selina could see the refusal forming on his dried lips so added quickly, ‘Right, that’s settled then. I’ll give you a chance to cool down and get showered, so shall we say four o’clock?’

  Sam leant back to stretch his spine and allowed himself a smile. ‘Yes, that would be lovely,’ he said, glad that the old lady had stopped him spending the rest of the day retreating into the safety of his apartment and sealing the door on the outside world. Too much time on his own would do him no good. He had thought the run would help but he had only managed to tie himself up in more knots.

  After years of becoming accustomed to living in the ruins that constituted his life, the world around Sam was transforming before his eyes. To some degree he had been a willing participant, but the pace of change was overtaking him and he didn’t know how to adapt, or even if he wanted to. What he really needed was to talk it through and there was only one person he had come close to opening up to in recent years and she was standing there in front of him, resting her elbow on her broom with a satisfied look on her face that eased the wrinkles of her concern if only a little.

  But there were more pressing needs to deal with first, such as a long drink of water and a shower so Sam left Selina to her sweeping and heaved himself upstairs as fast as his aching legs would carry him. Within minutes he was stepping into a strong spray of water that was cold enough to make him gasp. He dipped his head and let the water run down his back and, despite chattering teeth, refused to turn up the temperature.

  Arriving with Anna on his arm at the party had caused quite a stir, not surprising given that the majority of his colleagues hadn’t even been aware of her existence. Everyone was at pains to tell him what a lovely couple they made and, from his beardless appearance alone, how she had already had a positive effect on him. But while Anna had taken it all in her stride, Sam had become increasingly uncomfortable and had drunk far more than he had intended.

  The shower helped ease Sam’s muscles, although it hadn’t been quite cold enough to numb his thoughts. Once dressed, he headed back downstairs, his heavy footfalls giving Selina warning of his arrival and she was at the door before he had the chance to knock.

  ‘Much better,’ she said with a nod of approval as she invited him in.

  Selina’s apartment, although more or less the same size as Sam’s, had a different configuration. Most notably, she had sacrificed living space in favour of a large and homely kitchen with enough room to accommodate a family-sized dining table. There were other differences too. Selina was by no means short of homely adornments and had accumulated enough bric-a-brac to cover every available surface, making the décor as demanding of attention as the woman herself. There was no discernible theme to her collection of china figurines and carved animals, nor any co-ordination of colours or styles. Likewise, the paintings on the walls were an eclectic mix and obscured so much of the wall space that there was little evidence of the wallpaper Sam had helped Selina put up six months earlier. The only thing Selina did have in common with Sam was an absence of family photographs on display.

  ‘Sit yourself down,’ she said and returned to the oven where the makings of a roast dinner was ready to serve.

  It smelled delicious, as always, especially compared to Sam’s usual diet of defrosted ready meals, but on closer inspection the roast potatoes were crisp to the point of being charred and the vegetables were on the verge of disintegrating.

  ‘I know,’ she said, ‘it’s a little overcooked.’

  ‘Sorry,’ he said, knowing full well that Selina’s timings had only been off because he had stayed out so long.

  Selina put her own plate on the table, her portion sizes dwarfed by those she had imposed on her guest, before taking a seat opposite Sam. ‘So what kept you out so long?’

  ‘I had a bit of a heavy session last night and needed to sweat it out.’

  Selina narrowed her eyes. ‘You can’t fool me, Sam McIntyre. So which was it? Were you trying to punish yourself or make your mind up about something?’

  Sam played with his food as he wondered how to begin. ‘A bit of both,’ he said at last.

  Not satisfied with the answer, Selina waited patiently for further explanation.

  ‘I knew I’d get comments when I turned up at the party with Anna, but it was her reaction more than anything that bothered me,’ he said. ‘She was talking about her ideas for publishing that children’s book she’s been going on about and it only took one comment about a partnership for Jack’s wife to jump to the conclusion that we were practically engaged. And even though Anna kept telling her it was early days … I don’t know, it was the way she looked at me, as if we were keeping our plans a secret rather than there not being any plans at all.’

  ‘But there could be one day,’ Selina said, posing the statement as a question.

  ‘I like Anna and I keep pinching myself that someone like her could be interested in me,’ he said. ‘I enjoy her company, Selina, but if I’m being brutally honest, I can’t see us taking things beyond what they are now.’

  ‘Never?’ Selina asked, genuinely surprised.

  Sam had taken a mouthful of his dinner and chewed as hard on his answer as he did his food. ‘I keep trying to convince myself it’s too soon to tell if the attraction is simply superficial. We’ve been seeing each other for less than two months and we barely know each other.’

  ‘There’s one way of solving that, Sam: talk to her. Tell her about your feelings. Tell her about you.’

  Sam reverted to playing with his food again.
‘No,’ he said firmly. If he had reached one conclusion during his run it was that he shouldn’t be encouraging Anna any more than he already had. ‘I’m not even sure I should keep on seeing her. She’s young and she needs to be with someone she can build a life with. That isn’t me, you know that.’

  ‘You’re a good catch, Sam, and she’d have to be a fool not to want a future with you. The only fool I can see right now is you. What if she could make you happy?’

  ‘But I don’t want her kind of happy!’ said Sam as he stabbed at a carrot and immediately turned it to mush. ‘I’m not sure I want happy at all. And yes, I am a fool; a fool for getting involved with her in the first place. It would have been better if I’d just been left in peace.’

  Selina had been nibbling at her dinner as if oblivious to Sam’s growing agitation, but when she looked up there was a glint in her eye. ‘You’ve got no chance of that, I’m afraid.’

  The comment made Sam smile. ‘Ah, but I can always close my door and ignore you,’ he said but then reconsidered his answer. ‘Actually, no I can’t do that either, can I? But you’re different, Selina. You don’t want anything from me. OK, that’s wrong too.’ Sam was almost laughing now. ‘Yes, you play on my good nature, use my body for your own purposes—’

  ‘And don’t forget my friends.’

  ‘Yes, let’s not forget the services I provide to half the octogenarians in Liverpool!’

  ‘Pat’s only seventy-five,’ she protested.

  Exasperated, Sam held aloft his knife and fork in submission. ‘Look, I am willing to accept that we’ve become the weirdest couple in Liverpool but we still live alone, Selina. You’ve chosen your way of life and I’ve chosen mine. I thought going out with Anna was the right thing to do, proving to myself that I’ve still got a pulse, but I never wanted to give up my old way of life completely. The problem is, it’s all about satisfying my needs, not Anna’s. I should have thought about her and what she might want – what she does want from our relationship.’

  ‘For the record, I didn’t choose my lifestyle,’ Selina reminded him.

  Sam dropped his head in shame. Of course it hadn’t been Selina’s choice to live what would have been an otherwise lonely existence for the last fifty years if it weren’t for the good friends around her. She certainly hadn’t chosen to be involved in a car accident that would see her lose both her husband and her unborn child. At only thirty-one she had buried them both, along with her ability to ever carry another child. ‘Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.’

  ‘I’m not going to be around forever, Sam, and whilst I have a long list of friends who would happily take my place in your life, that isn’t the answer either. You may think you can go it alone, but you can’t. It isn’t in your nature.’

  ‘You’re not going anywhere and neither am I,’ Sam said.

  Selina folded her arms as she faced Sam’s stubbornness head on. ‘Do you like Anna?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘If you weren’t so worried about not being able to live up to her expectations, would you still want to carry on seeing her?’

  ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘That’s settled then. If you can’t have Anna on your conscience, then put her on mine. I’m telling you to carry on seeing her, Sam. And that’s an order,’ she said and before he could continue the argument, added, ‘Now, is that it or is there anything else playing on your mind?’

  Shocked at the swift resolution of his relationship woes, in Selina’s mind at least, Sam was too stunned to reply.

  ‘What else, Sam?’

  He shrugged. There was something, or to be precise someone; a little girl who had sneaked into his heart. ‘Remember the trouble my Wishing Tree got me into?’ he said. ‘Well, I think I’ve managed to grant one wee girl her wish.’

  ‘Not the one who wanted a job for her dad?’

  Sam laughed. ‘Well, I haven’t been handing out PlayStations, if that’s what you were thinking!’

  At last he was starting to relax and tucked into his dinner with an appetite he had thought was beyond him. By the time he cleared his plate, he had explained to Selina all about meeting Finn and how he had already put in a good word with Jack.

  Stretching back against his chair to give his expanded girth some room, Sam picked up a paper napkin from the table. It was crisp white tissue paper and perfectly square, ideal for origami and his fingers worked their magic with barely a conscious thought. ‘I’ll give Jack another ring tomorrow just to make sure he hasn’t forgotten,’ he explained. ‘He was a little bit worse for wear when I mentioned it, but he seemed keen enough to take my recommendation.’

  ‘But you don’t even know this Finn person,’ Selina warned. ‘How can you recommend someone for a job when you have no idea if he’s a good worker or even a decent bloke for that matter?’

  Anna had been voicing her doubts as well, but Sam couldn’t be dissuaded. ‘I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character and I wouldn’t have asked Jack if I thought I was landing him with a shirker. Besides, the work’s only general labour and it’s not even permanent but at least it’s a job.’

  ‘Which satisfies the wish.’

  Selina had been the only other person to actually read Jasmine’s note and there was a look of delight on her face that removed any remaining doubt Sam might have had. ‘Sometimes all a person needs is a step on the first rung of the ladder. It’s for Finn to make of it what he can.’

  ‘Another one for your collection?’ Selina was looking at the crane Sam had brought to life from a simple paper napkin. ‘You must have hundreds of them by now.’

  Sam folded its wings back up and slipped it into his pocket where it would remain until he returned back upstairs to add it to his collection. At the last count, there were six hundred of the things in the shoebox. ‘There’s an ancient Japanese myth that if you make a thousand then you’ll have your wish granted,’ he told her.

  Selina had seen him make countless birds in her time, but he had never before explained himself and he wasn’t sure why he chose to do so now. He had told the same story to a young girl many years ago. She would have been a little older than Jasmine at the time and a lot less gullible, but if she had doubted him then she hadn’t let it show and they had started on the project of making one thousand cranes together. He felt compelled to carry on although he had no idea what he would do when he reached the magical number. ‘And before you say it, no I don’t have a wish. All the mumbo jumbo in the world couldn’t give me the one thing I want. What’s broken can’t be unbroken, and while there are many things I will never come to terms with, that’s not one of them.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ she said.

  There was a lull in the conversation until Sam broke the spell. ‘So where’s this beer you promised?’

  Selina produced two cans of Guinness from the fridge and poured them into glasses.

  ‘You’re pushing the boat out, aren’t you? Isn’t smart-price bitter good enough for you these days?’

  ‘I didn’t buy them. They’re off Pat.’

  Sam caught the look Selina was trying to hide and asked, ‘What’s she after?’

  Selina handed Sam his glass and then sat down purposefully. ‘Well, now you’ve asked,’ she said, ‘there is a little job she wouldn’t mind your help with. You know she’s bought a caravan?’

  ‘Is this the one she took you to in Wales?’

  ‘Yes, Pantymwyn,’ Selina replied. ‘It’s only about an hour’s drive away. It’s a lovely little site in the middle of some stunning countryside – it’s more like a little village, really. Everyone takes care of their own little patch of land and their gardens are their pride and joy.’

  ‘So what does she need doing in this pretty little place that’s only an hour’s drive away?’

  Selina took a sip of beer that left a trail of foam on her upper lip then wiped it away with the back of her hand. ‘A bit of decking and a general tidy up, I think, in time for a family get-together over the Au
gust Bank Holiday. I’ve already told her she couldn’t expect you to do it in a day. “Pat,” I said, “that man hasn’t had a holiday in all the time I’ve known him. If you’re expecting miracles then let him have some time to relax too.” We were thinking a week would be enough.’

  ‘I don’t need a holiday,’ Sam warned, ‘not even a working one.’

  ‘Everyone needs a holiday.’

  ‘When was the last time you went on one? Oh, don’t tell me you’re planning on coming along too?’ He was laughing again and so was Selina.

  ‘As tempting as it is to go off to foreign climes, someone has to stay here to look after the house. No, I was thinking …’

  Sam knew exactly what Selina was going to say. The scheme she had been conjuring up with her friend’s help was based on the same presumption everyone had made at the party the night before: that Anna had become a permanent appendage to Sam’s life. But that was before their recent heart to heart and now Selina knew better. He could tell her mind was whirring by the twitch in her eye.

  ‘I was thinking,’ she continued, ‘that you could go on your own. I don’t condone you spending the rest of your life in seclusion but you do need to recharge your batteries.’

  ‘When I’m not digging up Pat’s garden,’ Sam added, but Selina didn’t need to argue her case any more. ‘Actually, it’s not a half-bad idea. I could go for some long walks and clear away the cobwebs. Of course, I’d have to check out the job first to make sure I know what I’m letting myself in for, but yes, all right then. Tell her to give me a call and we can set something up.’

  At last Selina had found a way to settle his mind, although possibly not in the way she had intended. He had gone out on a run because he was starting to feel that same urge to escape that had made him leave Edinburgh. He was trying to resist it because he didn’t want to run away again so perhaps a temporary break might give him the space he needed.

  10

  Sam’s flat: Wednesday 7 October 2015